Custody is complicated and it is important to remember what's in the best interest of the children. Some parents will argue that they know what their child's best interest is, however to say that and to know what it means are clearly two separate issues.
Some, but not all, parents see custody as a tool to get at the other parent for the wrong doings or shortcomings they experienced in the marriage. The lesson is a hard one and can be very costly in the court system, if you choose to go down that path and use your kid to get at the other parent. It's not about getting even. It's about using parenting skills in a positive manner rather than a negative one.
Kids Come First
Often times separated/divorced parents use their kids as pawns or spies. Do not belittle the other parent in front of the kids. Do not intentionally attempt to sabotage the relationship between the kids and the other parent. Do not mentally punish your kids because they care about the other parent. It's childish and very poor parenting, and extremely unfair to the kids. You have to remember, it was your choice to have children. Your personal feelings no longer matter; kids come first, no matter what, and they deserve the right to have both parents apart of their lives. They will be healthier in the long run.
Fighting With the Other Parent
If you are going to argue about issues that don't involve the children, consider the argument. You have attorneys that represented you through the divorce; is it really worth the effort or the energy you're going to put into it? The smart answer is no. The children are the only victims of the fights between you and your ex. They are like little sponges, absorbing everything you or you ex say about one another.
Let it go; it's what's best. If you really can't communicate without arguing, if no agreements can be reached respectfully, make an appointment with a family counselor, a pastor or a mediator. There's nothing wrong with getting help from a third party who can give not only give advice on how to communicate with each other, but it's the right thing to do for the kids.
Kids sense and feel conflict between parents who argue, and begin to act up out of frustration because they have no control over what is happening. They don't want to witness the two people they love the most in the world fight. Remember, fighting doesn't resolve the issues, it only makes them worse.
Work Together for Stability
Work out some guidelines for the kids in advance, together: things such as bedtimes, education, religious training, medical treatment, pick up and drop off times, what kind of foods they should have, what activities they should be involved in. If you have a plan of action in place, there will be less conflict or negotiating that has to be done later on.
But, remember that no plan is set in stone and events arise that are unforeseen. Be willing to change the plan if you need to. If you are really putting the kids first, thinking about what is best for them. You can and will have a civilised conversation with your ex. If you do not agree on an issue that involves the kids, try to compromise.
Help and Ideas
According to Helpguide.com, co-parenting with your ex can benefit your children's self esteem and give them the continued stability they deserve.
Co-parenting is the best option for children. Through your parenting partnership, your kids should recognize that they are more important than the conflict that ended the marriage – and understand that your love for them will prevail despite changing circumstances. Kids whose divorced parents have a cooperative relationship thrive.
Kids Sake
Some children adapt well to these changes, and get on with their developmental agendas. Its up to you, the parent, to provide stability for your kids. You can only do that if you act respectfully and set your personal feelings for the other parent aside, for the children's sake.
Traci Henkels - I am who I am, said Sam I am. Simply because of everything I have lived and learned in life !
Join the Conversation